Love Wins

I never cry. Somewhere, I picked up the idea that it's not okay to cry. I held onto that idea, and it took root in my heart. I had to be strong, had to keep it together. Eden never cries, and if she does, there's something really wrong

This semester, God's been teaching me something ridiculously simple, that He loves me. You'd think that'd be easy, that's Sunday school stuff. I should know this by now, I've grown up in church. Yet, I seemed to have forgotten that. Today... was crappy. I took my final, and I'm pretty sure I passed it, so that was good, but... things went downhill from there. The prospect of being on the verge of finishing the first semester of Ignite unleashed a thousand different emotions. I started thinking about a lot of things, one of them being myself. I'm still struggling with being the happy person God created me to be, and not driving everyone around me crazy while I do it. I was frustrated, feeling like I'd failed, again. But, aside from that, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I just knew that I was depressed and running from God. This morning, He told me He wanted to bring me back to a place of sensitivity. He wanted me back in a place where I cry easily. That scared me so much. Eden never cries. I was afraid of the openness, afraid of the soft, vulnerable place, where people see my heart. I was so, so scared.

The day progressed, and things got worse, I got jumpy. I felt like crying and yet I couldn't/wouldn't let go. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying so hard not to jar my glass house, for fear of it shattering around me. I spoke only when spoken to, laughed nervously at jokes and avoided certain people like the plague(sorry guys), because I knew they could tell that I wasn't okay; they'd been encouraging me to cry, and that was the last thing I wanted to do . Finally, my friend Steven told me to talk to him and let him know what was going on. So, with Ariel right behind me, I went to talk to him.

Long story short, 3 hours later, I had the meltdown I've been needing for so long. I let Ariel see my heart. I finally let the walls down and let myself be me. I let myself cry. Crazy thing is, this wasn't sad crying, didn't last for very long, and it wasn't terribly violent. It was refreshing, I don't know that you could even call it a meltdown. And what got through to me, was a simple truth: Jesus loves you, nothing can separate you from Him, not even yourself. So often, I'm my own worst enemy, I run away from God and I'm afraid to go back. I can't separate myself from God. He loves me no matter what, no matter where I run. He's been trying to teach me how much He loves me, it's okay to let people in, it's okay to be vulnerable. He loves me.

He's been reminding me of that. My friend, Kristen Nix gave me some glow in the dark stars and I got really excited. I put them up on the ceiling, really randomly, not paying a whole lot of attention to where they were going or what pattern I was making. When I got done, I realized my stars "accidentally" made a heart. It was God's simple way of telling me: I Love you
For a group project, some friends and I re-enacted the prodigal son, and I "randomly" got the role of the prodigal daughter. I love the way we portrayed it. Daughter finally gives up, and goes home. She tries to apologize "Daddy I'm so so-" and before the words are out of her mouth, Daddy God gives her a hug. She doesn't have to apologize or explain, He still loves her.

I didn't need someone to tell me to be happy. I didn't need someone to give me all the answers and solve all my problems. I didn't need someone to quote bible verses at me right and left. I wanted to let go, but I didn't know how. What disarmed me, got me to drop my defenses was L <3 VE

Today: L <3 VE wins